I don’t think I can last like this…
I should be happy because my plan is working perfectly. Well, should I? It’s a torture. Maybe I’m killing myself without noticing. All of this… is for her…
Is it right to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for because you think that you don’t deserve “that” everything?
I thought something isn’t right, I don’t think I deserve to be with her. She’s very (when I say “very”, its super) beautiful, intelligent, nice, loving and she comes from a well known family, while I’m just an average kind of man. Every time we are with each other, all I want to do is to hug her and tell her I love her. However our difference in status makes me feel that I don’t really deserve someone like her. Maybe I’m not the one for her. She has many suitors who are well groomed and more handsome than me because she’s very attractive.
So I came up with a plan, a plan that will change Everything. I… Must… Ruin… Everything… So that she will hate me… So that when I’m gone, she won’t feel bad breaking up with me. She will feel happier.
Eight months later (now), my plan is at its peak. She doesn’t like me right now.
My plan started slowly. I began by saying that I don’t deserve her because of our differences. I tell her about it often. About two times a week. The roots have been planted. Ever since planting the roots of destruction, we always fight before we settle in a lull.
It was December 2008 when a friend of ours had her 18th birthday. I thought of using it as another opportunity to set up a fight. On the day after the birthday, she asked me of what I thought of the celebrant.
I said, “She’s beautiful.” even though what I wanted to say was, “You’re more beautiful.”
I couldn’t say what I thought and it hurts so badly but I can’t show it in front of her. This incident helped the roots sprout its first buds of hate. Since then, whenever I tell her that she’s beautiful, she will remember what I said about our friend. My plans started to formulate and it really hurts me very much. However, I had to do it as it’s for her own good…
January 2009 came and whenever we’re happy, I would start a fight. We fight everyday. It will always end up with a respite before the next fight again. Her warm personality towards me starts to cool down. This hurts me too. Every time I hurt her feelings, it hurts me twice as much. Nevertheless, I always felt that when the time comes and it all ends, she will be thrice as happy…
On the most important day of the year on 23rd February, (it’s the second year after I first confessed my feelings for her) I didn’t make it as special as I did the last time. It hurts so much. That is the time when she noticed I’ve changed. I can feel her being hurt. I want to tell her I love her so much. From that day onwards, she became very sweet and thoughtful. I thought it might be because she wants me to return to my original self. The original loving and understanding man she knew.
Soon, it was March 2009. My remaining time with her is very short. The vacation is coming. She still loves me but I have to complete my task. I once promised I would never hurt her either emotionally or physically. She thought I won’t do it. That’s why if I do it, she will definitely hate me.
After starting a fight with her, I pretended that I was in a rage and I took one jab at her arms. I saw her grasping her arms in pain. I was shocked at what I did. She looked at me with her teary eyes. She was in pain. A pain she couldn’t believe she would receive from me. A pain I can’t believe I gave her. I felt so much anger at myself. I wanted to kill myself for what I just did and I thought that will make her hate me. However, she never did…
When I got home, I quickly head for my bed to cry.
I asked myself, “What have I done?”
It was then my cell phone rang. It was her. I felt very guilty because of what I did to her. I answered my phone and she was crying. I felt pain as I heard her crying while talking in a soft voice. It was me who caused her so much pain. She asked me why I changed. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to make thing right again. I wanted things to go back to just like before… But I couldn’t.
I have caused her so much pain and yet she still tries her best to prevent us from fighting anymore.
If only I could tell her about the truth…
There were only a few days left before the vacation arrives. Hence, I decided to strike the final blow. It was a fine morning and everything was fine as there were no arguments. She asked me to buy a burger for her and I agreed. When I came back, I had no burger with me. All I had was a plan. I didn’t want to do it but I have to. She’ll hate me if I succeed. Therefore when I got back, I pretended I was irritated because I claimed she was always asking me to do stuff for her. However, the truth is I would most willingly be her slave as I belonged to her. In my mind, I thought that when everything ends, she’ll be happier… I argued with her in public and made myself look like a bad person. I thought she might mind as she’s well known and people might notice us arguing. However, I think no one saw us arguing.
That was when I pinched her. She showed that look again. It was a look that expresses deep pain physically and emotionally. She was holding back her tears. I felt her pain as she looked at me. At that point in time, I know it’s over. I felt so much remorse, so much guilt, so much pain, so I fled home and cried even though we had an examination on that day. From that day onwards, I started to hate myself for doing such things to my only love. I realized she loved me so much.
Two months later, she’s what she is right now. She’s happier as she doesn’t love me anymore. She’s happier as she’s free. Most importantly, she’s happier without me…
My plan was a success… But there’s so much more behind it.
During September 2008, I had a terrible headache but I ignored it. We were happily together at that time. My headaches continue to occur and my body weakened considerably.
I had a check up,
I was shocked,
I couldn’t imagine the effect of the result on her.
I didn’t want her to suffer so much pain.
I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer.
“One year”, said the doctor.
All the time up until now, I just wanted to kiss her and hug her and tell her that I love her so much. I always thought that we were destined to be with each other. I never wanted to let her go. I didn’t want to lose her. She was the only person who gave me so much love and understanding. I experienced so much joy when I’m with her and so much tears when I thought that she’ll leave me...
She was
My true love…
My first love...
And the last one…
I should be happy because my plan is working perfectly. Well, should I? It’s a torture. Maybe I’m killing myself without noticing. All of this… is for her…
Is it right to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for because you think that you don’t deserve “that” everything?
I thought something isn’t right, I don’t think I deserve to be with her. She’s very (when I say “very”, its super) beautiful, intelligent, nice, loving and she comes from a well known family, while I’m just an average kind of man. Every time we are with each other, all I want to do is to hug her and tell her I love her. However our difference in status makes me feel that I don’t really deserve someone like her. Maybe I’m not the one for her. She has many suitors who are well groomed and more handsome than me because she’s very attractive.
So I came up with a plan, a plan that will change Everything. I… Must… Ruin… Everything… So that she will hate me… So that when I’m gone, she won’t feel bad breaking up with me. She will feel happier.
Eight months later (now), my plan is at its peak. She doesn’t like me right now.
My plan started slowly. I began by saying that I don’t deserve her because of our differences. I tell her about it often. About two times a week. The roots have been planted. Ever since planting the roots of destruction, we always fight before we settle in a lull.
It was December 2008 when a friend of ours had her 18th birthday. I thought of using it as another opportunity to set up a fight. On the day after the birthday, she asked me of what I thought of the celebrant.
I said, “She’s beautiful.” even though what I wanted to say was, “You’re more beautiful.”
I couldn’t say what I thought and it hurts so badly but I can’t show it in front of her. This incident helped the roots sprout its first buds of hate. Since then, whenever I tell her that she’s beautiful, she will remember what I said about our friend. My plans started to formulate and it really hurts me very much. However, I had to do it as it’s for her own good…
January 2009 came and whenever we’re happy, I would start a fight. We fight everyday. It will always end up with a respite before the next fight again. Her warm personality towards me starts to cool down. This hurts me too. Every time I hurt her feelings, it hurts me twice as much. Nevertheless, I always felt that when the time comes and it all ends, she will be thrice as happy…
On the most important day of the year on 23rd February, (it’s the second year after I first confessed my feelings for her) I didn’t make it as special as I did the last time. It hurts so much. That is the time when she noticed I’ve changed. I can feel her being hurt. I want to tell her I love her so much. From that day onwards, she became very sweet and thoughtful. I thought it might be because she wants me to return to my original self. The original loving and understanding man she knew.
Soon, it was March 2009. My remaining time with her is very short. The vacation is coming. She still loves me but I have to complete my task. I once promised I would never hurt her either emotionally or physically. She thought I won’t do it. That’s why if I do it, she will definitely hate me.
After starting a fight with her, I pretended that I was in a rage and I took one jab at her arms. I saw her grasping her arms in pain. I was shocked at what I did. She looked at me with her teary eyes. She was in pain. A pain she couldn’t believe she would receive from me. A pain I can’t believe I gave her. I felt so much anger at myself. I wanted to kill myself for what I just did and I thought that will make her hate me. However, she never did…
When I got home, I quickly head for my bed to cry.
I asked myself, “What have I done?”
It was then my cell phone rang. It was her. I felt very guilty because of what I did to her. I answered my phone and she was crying. I felt pain as I heard her crying while talking in a soft voice. It was me who caused her so much pain. She asked me why I changed. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to make thing right again. I wanted things to go back to just like before… But I couldn’t.
I have caused her so much pain and yet she still tries her best to prevent us from fighting anymore.
If only I could tell her about the truth…
There were only a few days left before the vacation arrives. Hence, I decided to strike the final blow. It was a fine morning and everything was fine as there were no arguments. She asked me to buy a burger for her and I agreed. When I came back, I had no burger with me. All I had was a plan. I didn’t want to do it but I have to. She’ll hate me if I succeed. Therefore when I got back, I pretended I was irritated because I claimed she was always asking me to do stuff for her. However, the truth is I would most willingly be her slave as I belonged to her. In my mind, I thought that when everything ends, she’ll be happier… I argued with her in public and made myself look like a bad person. I thought she might mind as she’s well known and people might notice us arguing. However, I think no one saw us arguing.
That was when I pinched her. She showed that look again. It was a look that expresses deep pain physically and emotionally. She was holding back her tears. I felt her pain as she looked at me. At that point in time, I know it’s over. I felt so much remorse, so much guilt, so much pain, so I fled home and cried even though we had an examination on that day. From that day onwards, I started to hate myself for doing such things to my only love. I realized she loved me so much.
Two months later, she’s what she is right now. She’s happier as she doesn’t love me anymore. She’s happier as she’s free. Most importantly, she’s happier without me…
My plan was a success… But there’s so much more behind it.
During September 2008, I had a terrible headache but I ignored it. We were happily together at that time. My headaches continue to occur and my body weakened considerably.
I had a check up,
I was shocked,
I couldn’t imagine the effect of the result on her.
I didn’t want her to suffer so much pain.
I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer.
“One year”, said the doctor.
All the time up until now, I just wanted to kiss her and hug her and tell her that I love her so much. I always thought that we were destined to be with each other. I never wanted to let her go. I didn’t want to lose her. She was the only person who gave me so much love and understanding. I experienced so much joy when I’m with her and so much tears when I thought that she’ll leave me...
She was
My true love…
My first love...
And the last one…
